John Villain
5 min readAug 23, 2023


Sleep-deprived End of Summer August Moth Indoors Behind Closet Door With Hole Punched Through It On The Other Side

Right now there is a small moth just chillin on my closet door. I wonder whether it is symbolic of the weird pain and suppressed sadness I carry spiritually. Tonight my blood pressure dropped a little too low. I drank my daily spirits. Past few days have been Scotch Whiskey. It made me warm, but I still feel the knot of anxiety in my upper chest below my neck, more on the left side, near my heart. I have some sort of stress reaction that makes me feel a tightening in my chest/heart. A broken heart when young too many times unnecessary probably contributes to psychosomatic heart disease. That injury to my spirit in that place of my body. Cupid’s arrow of death.

So yeah I don’t know maybe this moth visitor is small like my shallow breathing. My body is fighting to survive. It always does that. The things I am dealing with are just taking more of an accelerated toll than usual. Except I don’t genuinely feel any inner symbolic transformation. I kind of already just feel dead and dull. My penis has lost a noticeable amount of sensitivity. I’m also too tired to jerk off, but sometimes my sympathetic nervous system only kicks in erotic arousal when I am on the verge of passing out. Sounds weird and fucked up, but it isn’t too big of a deal. Libido comes and goes. My job is killing me.

I’m not going out of my way to be negative here. Just realistic.

Unrefined Memory Log of Today and Why I Don’t Care To Remember Things Anymore In The Long Haul

so the reports i had today were dependent on these memos, and i wasnt sure who to follow up with so first i checked the clipboard to see if the dept i needed had a number on there.

it didnt. so i asked my training manager who said i need to call security and request from them that they contact the maintenance supervisor so that the maintenance supervisor could call our surveillance room.

i called once and then had to take prize reviews for a bit, and then after not getting any call i asked the training manager if we got the memo for my report. he said we didnt, and also said i have to keep calling security to remind them and make sure they have the maintenance supervisor call us for the memo.

so i called a second time and a different security dispatch personnel answered, who said she would contact the maintenance supervisor. a moment later our room gets a call, but i am busy taking a prize claim review, and the other surveillance specialist trainee answers. he repeats out loud to me what the security dispatch said on the phone, which was that some guy with a difficult cuban name (the name was repeated, but mostly unintelligable to me), especially since my full and complete focus wasnt there, since i was in the middle of taking a prize to review.

evidently this person with a difficult name to parse sent the memo over to us already. i wasn’t able to determine who exactly this person was or what his exact job role was either. but for the sake of brevity, once i got off the call i was in the middle of, i asked out loud to my training manager if we did in fact get the memo, considering security dispatch called and said the person who was supposed to send it allegedy did.

but my training manager was preoccupied and gave little to no direction about whether we did get the memo. so i wanted to ask again about what to do because i still had no direct link to this maintenance supervisor other than going off of security dispatch to relay information.

so i figured i’d probably need to call them back and tell them the memo wasn’t received. in the meantime i take my training manager’s lack of reply as a sign to figure it out myself.

thinking to myself i told myself i should clear the prizes i had first and then give security dispatch another call. anywhere from 10 to 20 minutes later or so, after clearing prizes while taking more prizes, and documenting treasury personnel who are working with money handling, i finally call security dispatch and get a third new person who answers, who is the security captain, who reassures me he would find out what happened with this memo after i said i had called twice already and it was not delivered here despite what that cuban guy with a difficult name said about sending it.

then the fire alarm goes off and i answer the phone to receive a call to handle the report on it from security dispatch. now i had already completed the prior report, but the memo was still pending for me to attach to the report; and then when i prepare the templates to do the new report, i notice it too also requires a memo. so then i get more prizes to review, which is okay since i had to wait anyway for them to send me a security report as well as the memo for it and the memo prior for the previous report.

there is a lull, and the time has went by quick due to all the delays and multitasking and such. i tell my training manager that i still didn’t get the memo for either of the two reports, and the training manager proceeds to say that i shouldn’t be calling the security dispatch in the first place for the memo, that i need to contact the maintenance supervisor directly. so i said that i tried looking for it on the clipboard with the directories and it wasn’t there. keep in mind i asked my training manager what to do and he said call security dispatch. i even asked if there was anything else to do and he had remained silent as if i needed to figure it out. so with all the information i had to work with, there was no status on the memo nor the new memo for the new report.

my training manager begins to patronize me about how each department has a supervisor and that for certain reports that depend on the specific department supervisors that you need to have a way to communicate with the supervisor of that specific department on duty.

so then i ask how do i find out the number of the maintenance department, and my training manager said to call security dispatch again until they can get the maintenance department supervisor to call me.

This whole situation reminded me of the book Catch-22, by Joseph someone. I forget. Campbell? Eh.